Hello my name is...

Hello, my name is Jane Smith. I am a CEO at a local hospital. I know it sounds very glamorous and exciting but let me tell you that its not all social events and begonias - well, maybe for some it sounds exciting but let me tell you a little bit about how I arrived at this place in my life.



Growing up in Russia, my father was the "boss" in our local branch of the maffia. My father worked hard all through my childhood and I was by his side all of the time watching and learning. We lived well and were able to acquire a few gold teeth each of us. We were never hungry and there were always interesting men at our house.



When communism fell it was like opening the door for the Mafia and we began to get involved in so many new areas of organized crime. My mother and father wanted me to marry a man named Mikhal who was one his way to becoming very influential in the local community of mafiosos. I wanted to embrace the new found freedoms that everyone was experiencing and was determined to make my way to becoming the first female "boss" in the Russian Mafia. I became very involved in the businesses of prostitution and money laundering. I was so overwhelmingly successfull that my father and the other leaders decided to send me to America to learn and build a business out of the health care industry. Health care fraud was SO easy. Americans are trust worthy- especially the old ones.



I built a huge ring mostly from partnering with the black gangs in American cities. They were already very feared and had access to some pretty nice weapons. As we became more and more successful I started buying gold teeth for my partners here (Boy did that take off in America! Now all of these people have full mouths of gold AND platinum). Well things were great and we were living very well. I was very respected in my home land. I became comfortable here in America, I learned the language and got rid of my accent. I began to want to grow my family and had 2 children before the bottom dropped out.



Yes, the bottom dropped out. Unfortunately, in America people get pretty pissed off when you take advantage of their old people and their government. An investigation insued and although I thought I was in the clear, when I went to the airport with my family to go back to Russia I discovered that my passport had been frozen along with my assets and there were Federal agents waiting to arrest me at the gate. They took my bags, my kids and my Starbucks and hauled me off to jail. As I mentioned before, I was pretty tight with the other gangs in the area and American police are far more interested in winning the war on drugs than anything else so my lawyer got me a deal. I gave up one the dealers in a drug ring - he was an asshole anyway - and in return I was offered the witness protection plan. I really didn't want to go into the witness protection plan but I had to think about my kids safety. They promised me that I would be placed in a nice community with a good job that would keep me busy and provide enough money for my family to live comfortably. I took the deal.

They looked at my history of healthcare fraud and decided that the right place for me would be running a hospital. They wanted me to remove my gold teeth so that I could look professional and not be noticed but I REFUSE. I worked hard for those teeth and I'm keeping them. I wear a set of false teeth to cover them up while I'm working as a CEO.

You would be surprised how many of us (CEO's) are actually in the witness protection plan. Be aware if your CEO has an unusally plain name or an extremely complicated one they probably are not who they seem to be.

Now, a couple of years into this deal all I have to say is BULLSHIT! Comfortable for them is certainly not comfortable for a Mafia Queen! I think that the radar is off of me know and I am beginning to pursue another line of crime in the states. My next move is going to be prostitution. Americans are clearly into smut. I think I am going to contact this woman named Lola to see if I can get her started as my first girl. I hear that she is a stripper at night - I have a hard time believing it because during the day I don't even think she combs her hair...but we'll see.

My friend Buckethead is going to run the "finances" for me. She always uses the same phrases when she answers my questions like "it is decidedly so" but I think that she's pretty smart. She tells me that she's been running into this guy that calls himself Captain something and that he is kind of a drunk street guy but he might be a good person to have on the streets watching for cops.

Things are looking up...