Dear Buckethead and Sharky,
I've been having a great time here in Venezuela but if I don't get back soon FBI agent shithead is going to notice that I'm not around. He usually comes by at the beginning of every other month and I'm due for a visit in October.
Have the peeps forgotten about the crazy crippled bitch yet? Are the cops still nosing around?
Here's my plan:
Waz and Russell the Luvmussel disappeared with Belinda right after the Estella hit. They came up with some crazy shit about traveling to the orient for some kind of penis training. No one is going to believe that so I'm going to start planting some evidence in their offices that will link them to Estella. I'm going to need some help from Unacrapper, COO(L) since Waz has the cameras. I figure that UC can deposit evidence without being detected. That should totally take the pressure off of me.
In addition to traveling abroad, I have also had a breast augmentation to secure my alibi as being out of pocket at the time of her disappearance.
When I get back, we are going to have to complete the Gung Ho My Ass book and really get serious about some work. I am going to pretend to be the most gung ho corporate clone that I can. The last thing that any of us want is for Lucille to release Boss Rainey from asshole camp. We don't need him getting into our shit, especially since I have secured a connection in Venezeula for cocaine trafficing. I also found a pharmacist that I'm bringing back with me. We'll say that I found him while in the hospital - ok? I used to not care about this job because I didn't think the FBI would ever move me out, but now I need to keep this job so that I have a legit place to run the other businesses through. Pretty soon, we're going to take over the state and then the world. We'll be the biggest organized crime unit of all time!!
Are you guys in or out?
Jane
Friday, September 28, 2007
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Dear Capt. Sharky,
Please have your friends Inigo and Touchy call me ASAP. I have two open positions that I need to fill immediately.
1. Janitor
2. Employee Health
1. Janitor
2. Employee Health
Sunday, August 19, 2007
I Want to Set the Record Straight
I'm not sure who this Consuela person that believes she saw me trapsing around town with my belly showing and smoking cigarettes while obviously pregnant and wearing Uggs. PLEASE! I would never wear Uggs with cut off jeans!!!!
I think this is a clear case of mistaken identity but just in case there are some doubters out there, here is a photo from the paper of what I was actually doing this weekend.
I think this is a clear case of mistaken identity but just in case there are some doubters out there, here is a photo from the paper of what I was actually doing this weekend.
You'll be happy to know that the extra effort at the end paid off and I beat that amazon bitch.
Jane
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Oh Shit the Cheetos are Missing!
Buckethead,
What are we going to do? Did you see Sharky's initial report on the desk shitter investigation? He said the guy in the ceiling had Cheeto breath. Did he eat all of the bonus Cheetos? Crap!!! How are we going to give people their quarterly bonus?
What are we going to do? Did you see Sharky's initial report on the desk shitter investigation? He said the guy in the ceiling had Cheeto breath. Did he eat all of the bonus Cheetos? Crap!!! How are we going to give people their quarterly bonus?
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Will Lola Give it Up to Save Buckethead and Jane?
Lola,
Listen, I need your help. It seems that one of the auditors, Russell Luvmussell, is really in to you. I know he looks really gay in that hot pink shirt but he says that he is "all man." Anyway, the audit is sucking and I really don't want Buckethead to get canned so could you pick up an extra shift tonight? Room 12 of the Crusty Motel. Seems he likes the Geisha look and the tune to the Jefferson's. Take your stun gun - this one seems a little pushy.
Oh yeah, can you bring along one of the low class girls for his redneck friend? He likes 'em trashy.
If you do this, I promise to take care of you. I might even be able to get you a General Lee car. You would be rockin in that car singing the theme song. "Been in trouble with the law since the day I was born..."
Listen, I need your help. It seems that one of the auditors, Russell Luvmussell, is really in to you. I know he looks really gay in that hot pink shirt but he says that he is "all man." Anyway, the audit is sucking and I really don't want Buckethead to get canned so could you pick up an extra shift tonight? Room 12 of the Crusty Motel. Seems he likes the Geisha look and the tune to the Jefferson's. Take your stun gun - this one seems a little pushy.
Oh yeah, can you bring along one of the low class girls for his redneck friend? He likes 'em trashy.
If you do this, I promise to take care of you. I might even be able to get you a General Lee car. You would be rockin in that car singing the theme song. "Been in trouble with the law since the day I was born..."
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Business would be BOOMING if this Hospital Shit didn't get in the way...
I just can't believe the shit that I have to put up with on a daily basis. Here are a few of the meaningless issues that I have had to be involved in this week that kept me from the REAL business at hand:
1. There is the woman with the never ending stories about her health. This week it is liver function problems. This usually turns into a conversation about the various tests that she is going to have to have and somehow always turns to her tiny little stomach.
2. A woman from another hospital keeps trying to tell on me to the big boss but what she doesn't understand is that I AM FUCKING PROTECTED. I ain't going anywhere unless the FBI says so BITCH.
3. My FBI field agent says that I'm doing great in this job. He has access to my e-mail here at Hospital World so all he sees are my very professional directives and responses. I have to review my progress with him weekly. What he doesn't know is that I have pre-paid phones for my peeps that are working with me on the side. Do you guys really think Lola has just been busy at work and that's why you aren't hearing from her much? No way - she's been working it on the streets at night. I actually put her in charge of the other girls so she doesn't have to turn tricks herself. She seems happy about it cuz she's always singing those damn TV theme songs.
4. Captain Sharky has already gotten involved in some of the stuff happening in the hospital before he started orientation. I'm kind of glad to see that he is on the blotter acid again because sober, he was getting a little nosy. I'm afraid he's going to bust up the poker ring. He is still concerned that Buckethead has some kind of disease that is going to infect his Cheetos but I don't really think he needs to worry since everyone has been sprayed and innoculated recently.
5. Buckethead keeps bitching about her eye. Get over it already! She hasn't even answered the 8 ball questions yet. People are waiting on those to proceed with their lives and she's got money to "clean".
6. There is a whole list of people on the payroll that I'm not sure exist because I haven't seen them since my first day. If one of them wasn't HR chick, I'd be all over it but I'll worry about that later.
7. I just found out that I HAVE to hold this Gung Ho My Ass meeting. I can't get out of it. My FBI agent said that it would look bad if I didn't do it because the people in the company just blindly follow the rules. I will stick out like a sore thumb if I don't do it. Whatever - I need to lay low to cover the gambling and prostitution that I have set up. I'm bringing in some serious cash lately and may even be able to get some gold teeth for my kids soon.
8. Buckethead has been running around without shoes and trying to pretend that she's wearing nude colored ones. I don't really care about the shoes so much as I'm concerned she's hitting the acid with Sharky because she was convinced that she WAS wearing nude shoes. I'm gonna have to watch that since she knows where the stash is.
I sure hope that Captain Sharky doesn't locate my hiding place for the money and drugs. I can't keep it at home because the FBI would surely notice. I was a little worried about that unacrapper kid but thanks to Buckethead he was distracted with marathon bars and passwords to the computer - close one!
1. There is the woman with the never ending stories about her health. This week it is liver function problems. This usually turns into a conversation about the various tests that she is going to have to have and somehow always turns to her tiny little stomach.
2. A woman from another hospital keeps trying to tell on me to the big boss but what she doesn't understand is that I AM FUCKING PROTECTED. I ain't going anywhere unless the FBI says so BITCH.
3. My FBI field agent says that I'm doing great in this job. He has access to my e-mail here at Hospital World so all he sees are my very professional directives and responses. I have to review my progress with him weekly. What he doesn't know is that I have pre-paid phones for my peeps that are working with me on the side. Do you guys really think Lola has just been busy at work and that's why you aren't hearing from her much? No way - she's been working it on the streets at night. I actually put her in charge of the other girls so she doesn't have to turn tricks herself. She seems happy about it cuz she's always singing those damn TV theme songs.
4. Captain Sharky has already gotten involved in some of the stuff happening in the hospital before he started orientation. I'm kind of glad to see that he is on the blotter acid again because sober, he was getting a little nosy. I'm afraid he's going to bust up the poker ring. He is still concerned that Buckethead has some kind of disease that is going to infect his Cheetos but I don't really think he needs to worry since everyone has been sprayed and innoculated recently.
5. Buckethead keeps bitching about her eye. Get over it already! She hasn't even answered the 8 ball questions yet. People are waiting on those to proceed with their lives and she's got money to "clean".
6. There is a whole list of people on the payroll that I'm not sure exist because I haven't seen them since my first day. If one of them wasn't HR chick, I'd be all over it but I'll worry about that later.
7. I just found out that I HAVE to hold this Gung Ho My Ass meeting. I can't get out of it. My FBI agent said that it would look bad if I didn't do it because the people in the company just blindly follow the rules. I will stick out like a sore thumb if I don't do it. Whatever - I need to lay low to cover the gambling and prostitution that I have set up. I'm bringing in some serious cash lately and may even be able to get some gold teeth for my kids soon.
8. Buckethead has been running around without shoes and trying to pretend that she's wearing nude colored ones. I don't really care about the shoes so much as I'm concerned she's hitting the acid with Sharky because she was convinced that she WAS wearing nude shoes. I'm gonna have to watch that since she knows where the stash is.
I sure hope that Captain Sharky doesn't locate my hiding place for the money and drugs. I can't keep it at home because the FBI would surely notice. I was a little worried about that unacrapper kid but thanks to Buckethead he was distracted with marathon bars and passwords to the computer - close one!
Thursday, August 9, 2007
Capt. Sharky Job Offer
Mr. "Capt." Sharky,
You did a great job on the pre-employment survey and I can't wait to have you as part of my team. I'm sorry it has taken so long for us to process your application. I can't find the damn HR chick anywhere! I think that she might have hooked up with Redneck Never Comes to Work Guy...
The position that we would like for you to consider at Hospital World is Chief Compliance Officer. It sounds like you have a real knack for risk management and understanding how to deal with the law. Therefore you will have responsibility for compliance and risk management.
The salary for this position will be $30,000 per year plus all of the Cheetos you can eat. Buckethead CFO will supply you with those. There is a bonus structure that consists of snickers bars and a quarterly pizza party (if you meet your goals).
If you accept this position, you will have your own office at Hospital World. It is located on the "lock down" unit so you will be issued a special key card upon hire.
Please contact me at your earliest convenience to discuss this opportunity.
Jane Smith, CEO
You did a great job on the pre-employment survey and I can't wait to have you as part of my team. I'm sorry it has taken so long for us to process your application. I can't find the damn HR chick anywhere! I think that she might have hooked up with Redneck Never Comes to Work Guy...
The position that we would like for you to consider at Hospital World is Chief Compliance Officer. It sounds like you have a real knack for risk management and understanding how to deal with the law. Therefore you will have responsibility for compliance and risk management.
The salary for this position will be $30,000 per year plus all of the Cheetos you can eat. Buckethead CFO will supply you with those. There is a bonus structure that consists of snickers bars and a quarterly pizza party (if you meet your goals).
If you accept this position, you will have your own office at Hospital World. It is located on the "lock down" unit so you will be issued a special key card upon hire.
Please contact me at your earliest convenience to discuss this opportunity.
Jane Smith, CEO
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