Please treat this as confidential...

Dear Buckethead and Sharky,
I've been having a great time here in Venezuela but if I don't get back soon FBI agent shithead is going to notice that I'm not around. He usually comes by at the beginning of every other month and I'm due for a visit in October.

Have the peeps forgotten about the crazy crippled bitch yet? Are the cops still nosing around?

Here's my plan:
Waz and Russell the Luvmussel disappeared with Belinda right after the Estella hit. They came up with some crazy shit about traveling to the orient for some kind of penis training. No one is going to believe that so I'm going to start planting some evidence in their offices that will link them to Estella. I'm going to need some help from Unacrapper, COO(L) since Waz has the cameras. I figure that UC can deposit evidence without being detected. That should totally take the pressure off of me.

In addition to traveling abroad, I have also had a breast augmentation to secure my alibi as being out of pocket at the time of her disappearance.

When I get back, we are going to have to complete the Gung Ho My Ass book and really get serious about some work. I am going to pretend to be the most gung ho corporate clone that I can. The last thing that any of us want is for Lucille to release Boss Rainey from asshole camp. We don't need him getting into our shit, especially since I have secured a connection in Venezeula for cocaine trafficing. I also found a pharmacist that I'm bringing back with me. We'll say that I found him while in the hospital - ok? I used to not care about this job because I didn't think the FBI would ever move me out, but now I need to keep this job so that I have a legit place to run the other businesses through. Pretty soon, we're going to take over the state and then the world. We'll be the biggest organized crime unit of all time!!

Are you guys in or out?

Jane

Dear Capt. Sharky,

Please have your friends Inigo and Touchy call me ASAP. I have two open positions that I need to fill immediately.

1. Janitor
2. Employee Health

I Want to Set the Record Straight

I'm not sure who this Consuela person that believes she saw me trapsing around town with my belly showing and smoking cigarettes while obviously pregnant and wearing Uggs. PLEASE! I would never wear Uggs with cut off jeans!!!!



I think this is a clear case of mistaken identity but just in case there are some doubters out there, here is a photo from the paper of what I was actually doing this weekend.

You'll be happy to know that the extra effort at the end paid off and I beat that amazon bitch.

Jane

Oh Shit the Cheetos are Missing!

Buckethead,
What are we going to do? Did you see Sharky's initial report on the desk shitter investigation? He said the guy in the ceiling had Cheeto breath. Did he eat all of the bonus Cheetos? Crap!!! How are we going to give people their quarterly bonus?

Will Lola Give it Up to Save Buckethead and Jane?

Lola,
Listen, I need your help. It seems that one of the auditors, Russell Luvmussell, is really in to you. I know he looks really gay in that hot pink shirt but he says that he is "all man." Anyway, the audit is sucking and I really don't want Buckethead to get canned so could you pick up an extra shift tonight? Room 12 of the Crusty Motel. Seems he likes the Geisha look and the tune to the Jefferson's. Take your stun gun - this one seems a little pushy.

Oh yeah, can you bring along one of the low class girls for his redneck friend? He likes 'em trashy.

If you do this, I promise to take care of you. I might even be able to get you a General Lee car. You would be rockin in that car singing the theme song. "Been in trouble with the law since the day I was born..."

Business would be BOOMING if this Hospital Shit didn't get in the way...

I just can't believe the shit that I have to put up with on a daily basis. Here are a few of the meaningless issues that I have had to be involved in this week that kept me from the REAL business at hand:

1. There is the woman with the never ending stories about her health. This week it is liver function problems. This usually turns into a conversation about the various tests that she is going to have to have and somehow always turns to her tiny little stomach.

2. A woman from another hospital keeps trying to tell on me to the big boss but what she doesn't understand is that I AM FUCKING PROTECTED. I ain't going anywhere unless the FBI says so BITCH.

3. My FBI field agent says that I'm doing great in this job. He has access to my e-mail here at Hospital World so all he sees are my very professional directives and responses. I have to review my progress with him weekly. What he doesn't know is that I have pre-paid phones for my peeps that are working with me on the side. Do you guys really think Lola has just been busy at work and that's why you aren't hearing from her much? No way - she's been working it on the streets at night. I actually put her in charge of the other girls so she doesn't have to turn tricks herself. She seems happy about it cuz she's always singing those damn TV theme songs.

4. Captain Sharky has already gotten involved in some of the stuff happening in the hospital before he started orientation. I'm kind of glad to see that he is on the blotter acid again because sober, he was getting a little nosy. I'm afraid he's going to bust up the poker ring. He is still concerned that Buckethead has some kind of disease that is going to infect his Cheetos but I don't really think he needs to worry since everyone has been sprayed and innoculated recently.

5. Buckethead keeps bitching about her eye. Get over it already! She hasn't even answered the 8 ball questions yet. People are waiting on those to proceed with their lives and she's got money to "clean".

6. There is a whole list of people on the payroll that I'm not sure exist because I haven't seen them since my first day. If one of them wasn't HR chick, I'd be all over it but I'll worry about that later.

7. I just found out that I HAVE to hold this Gung Ho My Ass meeting. I can't get out of it. My FBI agent said that it would look bad if I didn't do it because the people in the company just blindly follow the rules. I will stick out like a sore thumb if I don't do it. Whatever - I need to lay low to cover the gambling and prostitution that I have set up. I'm bringing in some serious cash lately and may even be able to get some gold teeth for my kids soon.

8. Buckethead has been running around without shoes and trying to pretend that she's wearing nude colored ones. I don't really care about the shoes so much as I'm concerned she's hitting the acid with Sharky because she was convinced that she WAS wearing nude shoes. I'm gonna have to watch that since she knows where the stash is.

I sure hope that Captain Sharky doesn't locate my hiding place for the money and drugs. I can't keep it at home because the FBI would surely notice. I was a little worried about that unacrapper kid but thanks to Buckethead he was distracted with marathon bars and passwords to the computer - close one!

Capt. Sharky Job Offer

Mr. "Capt." Sharky,

You did a great job on the pre-employment survey and I can't wait to have you as part of my team. I'm sorry it has taken so long for us to process your application. I can't find the damn HR chick anywhere! I think that she might have hooked up with Redneck Never Comes to Work Guy...

The position that we would like for you to consider at Hospital World is Chief Compliance Officer. It sounds like you have a real knack for risk management and understanding how to deal with the law. Therefore you will have responsibility for compliance and risk management.

The salary for this position will be $30,000 per year plus all of the Cheetos you can eat. Buckethead CFO will supply you with those. There is a bonus structure that consists of snickers bars and a quarterly pizza party (if you meet your goals).

If you accept this position, you will have your own office at Hospital World. It is located on the "lock down" unit so you will be issued a special key card upon hire.

Please contact me at your earliest convenience to discuss this opportunity.

Jane Smith, CEO

Where the hell is HR Chick?????

HR Chick -
Capt. Sharky has completed his pre employment survey and I think that his answers are fantastic. Please call him today and offer him a job. I would like for him to be our Chief of Compliance and Risk Management.

PS. Find out when he goes on maternity.

**Capt. Sharky's answers to pre-employment survey can be found under his blog.

IMPORTANT

URGENT NOTICE:

ALL HOSPITAL WORLD STAFF MUST READ THE MEMO DISTRIBUTED TODAY REGARDING FOOT AND MOUTH DISEASE AT HOSPITAL WORLD.

LOOK IN HOSPITAL DOCUMENTS.

Vending Machines

Buckethead,
Please work to identify a new vendor for our vending machines. I visited with the man that we currently have a contract with and he will not be returning to our hospital (or any others for that matter). Anyway, try to get the Diet Dr. Pepper on E5 written into the next contract.


PS. I'll be out this afternoon for a dentist appointment.

I'm confused...

HR Chick:

I believe that your mail is being forwarded to my office for some reason and in the massive stack of "I hate Buckethead" mail I came across the new hire lab results for Capt. Sharky. It appears that his tox screen is clear but that he is pregnant???

I thought he was a man...did something change after I interviewed him?

Back to this Buckethead thing. Stop sending the mail to my office. I don't care if they like Buckethead or not and if they're hungry for lunch tell them to pack a sack before they leave in the morning. Jesus Christ, whine, whine, whine.

Jane

Please Help!

Dear Hospital World Executive Team:

I have been told that I have to perform quarterly town hall meetings and that I should focus on "Gung Ho" and team building. Can someone please share the Gung Ho My Ass book with me or at least a couple of important parts of it? I assume that book is what the corporate people are talking about....

Also, I really need some suggestions for team building and morale building activities that I can lead in the meeting. Lucille French wants to know what I'll be doing during the meeting to build morale. (I don't think that she knows my history and the FBI guys told me that if I fuck this up I'll be working in an oyster shucking factory.) She seems really serious about this morale building thing and I don't think I could stand to shuck oysters all day. Please help!!


Jane

Hello my name is...

Hello, my name is Jane Smith. I am a CEO at a local hospital. I know it sounds very glamorous and exciting but let me tell you that its not all social events and begonias - well, maybe for some it sounds exciting but let me tell you a little bit about how I arrived at this place in my life.



Growing up in Russia, my father was the "boss" in our local branch of the maffia. My father worked hard all through my childhood and I was by his side all of the time watching and learning. We lived well and were able to acquire a few gold teeth each of us. We were never hungry and there were always interesting men at our house.



When communism fell it was like opening the door for the Mafia and we began to get involved in so many new areas of organized crime. My mother and father wanted me to marry a man named Mikhal who was one his way to becoming very influential in the local community of mafiosos. I wanted to embrace the new found freedoms that everyone was experiencing and was determined to make my way to becoming the first female "boss" in the Russian Mafia. I became very involved in the businesses of prostitution and money laundering. I was so overwhelmingly successfull that my father and the other leaders decided to send me to America to learn and build a business out of the health care industry. Health care fraud was SO easy. Americans are trust worthy- especially the old ones.



I built a huge ring mostly from partnering with the black gangs in American cities. They were already very feared and had access to some pretty nice weapons. As we became more and more successful I started buying gold teeth for my partners here (Boy did that take off in America! Now all of these people have full mouths of gold AND platinum). Well things were great and we were living very well. I was very respected in my home land. I became comfortable here in America, I learned the language and got rid of my accent. I began to want to grow my family and had 2 children before the bottom dropped out.



Yes, the bottom dropped out. Unfortunately, in America people get pretty pissed off when you take advantage of their old people and their government. An investigation insued and although I thought I was in the clear, when I went to the airport with my family to go back to Russia I discovered that my passport had been frozen along with my assets and there were Federal agents waiting to arrest me at the gate. They took my bags, my kids and my Starbucks and hauled me off to jail. As I mentioned before, I was pretty tight with the other gangs in the area and American police are far more interested in winning the war on drugs than anything else so my lawyer got me a deal. I gave up one the dealers in a drug ring - he was an asshole anyway - and in return I was offered the witness protection plan. I really didn't want to go into the witness protection plan but I had to think about my kids safety. They promised me that I would be placed in a nice community with a good job that would keep me busy and provide enough money for my family to live comfortably. I took the deal.

They looked at my history of healthcare fraud and decided that the right place for me would be running a hospital. They wanted me to remove my gold teeth so that I could look professional and not be noticed but I REFUSE. I worked hard for those teeth and I'm keeping them. I wear a set of false teeth to cover them up while I'm working as a CEO.

You would be surprised how many of us (CEO's) are actually in the witness protection plan. Be aware if your CEO has an unusally plain name or an extremely complicated one they probably are not who they seem to be.

Now, a couple of years into this deal all I have to say is BULLSHIT! Comfortable for them is certainly not comfortable for a Mafia Queen! I think that the radar is off of me know and I am beginning to pursue another line of crime in the states. My next move is going to be prostitution. Americans are clearly into smut. I think I am going to contact this woman named Lola to see if I can get her started as my first girl. I hear that she is a stripper at night - I have a hard time believing it because during the day I don't even think she combs her hair...but we'll see.

My friend Buckethead is going to run the "finances" for me. She always uses the same phrases when she answers my questions like "it is decidedly so" but I think that she's pretty smart. She tells me that she's been running into this guy that calls himself Captain something and that he is kind of a drunk street guy but he might be a good person to have on the streets watching for cops.

Things are looking up...

A Little about Me