Mr. "Capt." Sharky,
You did a great job on the pre-employment survey and I can't wait to have you as part of my team. I'm sorry it has taken so long for us to process your application. I can't find the damn HR chick anywhere! I think that she might have hooked up with Redneck Never Comes to Work Guy...
The position that we would like for you to consider at Hospital World is Chief Compliance Officer. It sounds like you have a real knack for risk management and understanding how to deal with the law. Therefore you will have responsibility for compliance and risk management.
The salary for this position will be $30,000 per year plus all of the Cheetos you can eat. Buckethead CFO will supply you with those. There is a bonus structure that consists of snickers bars and a quarterly pizza party (if you meet your goals).
If you accept this position, you will have your own office at Hospital World. It is located on the "lock down" unit so you will be issued a special key card upon hire.
Please contact me at your earliest convenience to discuss this opportunity.
Jane Smith, CEO
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3 comments:
Dear Ms. Jane:
I accept your offer under the following conditions:
1. The snickers must be frozen.
2. I need a fancy desk set.
3. I want a pair of those x-ray glasses that will allow me to look at naked chicks.
4. I need to get my Cheetos from someone other than Buckethead. Anyone who writes the word "shart" in a blog should not be touching cheesy-puffs.
5. Any chance you and I could go drinking sometime?
-Captain Sharky
Captain Sharky,
1. done
2. What do you consider fancy?
3. You may only wear these on your designated breaks.
4. It's Buckethead or noone on the Cheetos. She is the designated Cheeto supplier for the hospital. I will however give you Lysol that you can spray the bag with.
5. Drinking - HELL YES! I want to get some street info from you.
Welcome Aboard!! Can you start tomorrow?
Jane
I want a fancy desk set to be made of an exotic hardwood, and to be inclusive of both an in and an out box, a thingie to put my pens in (it would be a bonus if it had a clock or something in the middle. Additionally I would like a piece of wood with my name on it for my desk, and I want a calendar thing for my desk. The calendar does not have to be made of an exotic hardwood. I would also like to wear flip-flops to work and will need some sort of note from a physician that states that Buckethead does not have Hepatitis or anything like that. The last thing I want is to be eating Hepatitis Cheetos, or Gout Cheetos or STD Cheetos or anything like that.
-"Just call me Captain" Sharky
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